Cut Anatomy Jokes

A series of jokes that didn’t make it to the final cut of Victoria Healy’s Anatomy. Enjoy!

The average human body contains enough: Sulphur to kill all fleas on an average dog, Carbon to make 900 pencils, Potassium to fire a toy cannon, Fat to make 7 bars of soap, Phosphorus to make 2,200 match heads, and enough Water to fill a ten gallon tank. But not enough empathy to sponsor a child.

Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart muscle. Just like your left ball hangs lower than your right ball to make room for your love muscle.

Every day an adult body produces 300 billion new cells. And everyday I work a little more on my cell-to-cash converter machine.

Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream, proving Martin Luther King was borderline mentally incapacitated.

The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds. But then again no good speech ever began with “I have a dream that lasts 2 to 3 seconds”

You use 200 muscles to take one step. Steven Hawkins just uses one, because that’s how he rolls.

You burn 26 calories in a one minute kiss. But gain 26 calories if it’s French.

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razorblades. So suddenly swallowing razorblades doesn’t seem that impressive.

Your brian is mre activer dorring the nit than the dae.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that can’t repair itself. So my Dentist would lead me to believe

One human hair can support 3kg. German hair can support 6kg.

One human hair can support 3kg. Although it would be nice for the other hair to visit the 3kg from time to time.

One human hair can support 3kg. Two can support 6kg. Three can support Victoria Beckham.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. So maybe we should start a joint venture between organ donation and homes for the poor.

A shank is the part of the sole between the heel and the ball of the foot. And the piece of metal between an inmates ribs.

Dogs and Humans are the only animals with prostates. So take your best friend along with you the next time you get an prostate exam.

If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died……. a virgin.

Women blink twice as much as men. The Toronto Police Force would like to enter this as evidence as to how “she led him on.”


Project 2012

My new solo project for 2012 is….


Check out this promo I created to try and get the Melbourne Fringe organises interested in the show. They didn’t even look at it. Trust.

I’ve since confirmed the dates, the 3rd – 8th of October at The Portland Hotel.

Also I’m super excited about the show’s image that I commissioned by the very talented artist/animator Kate Moon.

Fringe Image

I reckon it looks a lot like me, not sure about the insides though.

The Rachel

I got my hair cut professionally for the first time in 11 years this week. It’s been 11 years because 11 years ago I walked into a salon asking for the “Bon Jovi” and received the “Meg Ryan”.

Bon Jovi vs. Meg Ryan

This time ’round I asked for “The Aragorn” and got “The Rachel” – for fuck sake.

The Aragorn vs. The Rachel

Note: do not talk about Friends re-runs while in the Hairdressers chair.